Stress and Frustration

There are quite a few things that are either stressing me out or frustrating me right now. Let's go down the list shall we?

1) My grandfather is dying. He has been in some form or other for years now...but he's now in hospice, unable to swallow and therefore unable to eat, and he has a DNR order that includes no tube feeds and no IV nutrition. My Dad called me earlier today and told me that there was an estimate that he had 12 hours to live (who said this or when it was said I don't know) and that I should stay in Springfield and study etc. and wait to come home until the funeral. I know I need to study, and I know that my grandfather was incredibly proud of my going to medical school and would want me to focus on that...but it doesn't make it any easier.

2) I had my mid-rotation evaluation Friday. I'm doing well for the most part with a current grade of High-Pass. But apparently someone made a comment about my needing to cover up my chest more. I'm bothered by this on a few levels. The way I was given this feedback was rather hurtful, basically implying that I am a faithless, godless hussy who walks around all but topless. I am very self-conscious about my weight and my figure and generally don't show that much in the line of skin because I don't feel very confident about myself and generally have the feeling that no one wants to see that nastiness...so being told that I'm not covering up enough is frustrating. And then there's the part where I have a hard enough time finding clothes that fit, finding out that I am failing to look professional really bothers me. So this feedback has basically left me in the place where I just want to crawl into a hole and cry for a few hours. The ironic part here is that just about all of my friends when I had gotten similar feedback before (from a woman who felt that mini-skirts with fish-nets and 5-inch stilettos were work appropriate) were very emphatic that I dress very professionally and that they couldn't believe I had gotten than feedback.

3) My weight. I started on an OCP (the pill) in January or so...one of the ones where you don't get your period for 3 months. This seemed like a great idea since I tend to get pretty anemic and tired with my period and getting it less frequently would therefore be inherently awesome. Now we all know (well maybe not all of us but it's a well known side-effect) that the pill can cause weight-gain. I've been fighting my weight for years, admittedly unsuccessfully, so it really shouldn't have surprised me that I've gained 15 lbs over the last 5 months...but it's upsetting me nonetheless. This also ties into #2 since my boobs would be smaller if I lost the weight and therefore would not be the issue that they are turning out to be. So I've taken a page out of Alicia's book and joined SparkPeople. I'm hoping the combination of food journalling and quick daily work-out videos will help me have some more success. And then there's the part where I'm gonna come off the pill...because I'd rather get my period than keep getting fatter...and I don't think that's unreasonable.

4) My sock. I started my Show-off socks according to the pattern by CO 65 stitches and just knit happily along...I was just about to the end of the arch-shaping and decided to try them on...I can barely get them on. So they made a visit to the frog pond and I'm going to try again CO 75 stitches and see where that takes me. In the meantime I think I'm going to make a cowl with some nice thick worsted weight yarn...because that's a lot of stitches to rip out.

So yeah...I'm beyond stressed right now...kinda tearful...and struggling to concentrate on studying. I really just need this week/month to be over. Hope you're all doing better that I am! Happy knitting!

Staycation

What is a "staycation," you ask? Well...it's kinda like a vacation...but instead of going anywhere you just stay home and relax. Staycation's are great for a variety of reasons: they're essentially free, you have time to do all the little things you've been ignoring, and you have access to your entire stash! No more worrying about what yarn/needles to bring! I am currently enjoying the start of my two week break that comes with my elective block. So far I've finished a pair of mittens and started on a scarf, and started reading House of God (everyone's been telling me I have to read it...I got it for Christmas and I'm finally getting the time to read...so far I love it). Another added bonus is that I have time to write a real blog post!

So now that I'm back home I really have no excuse to not give you some FO and WIP shots...well...except for the part where the rechargeable battery on my camera lasts about 30 seconds...but I plan to rectify that by buying a new battery when I'm out later today for my doctor's appointment. In the meantime I will take one picture of each thing...which is more than I've given you in a long long time.

First I give you my first BSJ. I finished this about a month ago (feels like much longer than that sadly) and sent it off to Dorothy for her newest little one. She posted about it here but it's high I time I give you pictures.
Dorothy of course sent me a lovely thank-you-note...which of course made my day when I got it like a week later (hooray for living an hour and a half from home!)
Next up is the hat I made for my aunt. I was looking for something simple enough to be wearable by a non-knitter but still complicated enough that it was still knitterly. I found this pattern (rav link) and went for it. So far I've opted to not make the little band...we'll see when I finish up with everything else for this lovely winter set.
Then there are the mittens. Flip-top mittens with cables and fingers. They are very loosely based on this pattern (rav link)...I think I used it mostly for finger placement and some clues on making the flap more-so than anything else. I still hate fingers...I might hate them less if I had shorter DPNs...if I find myself making lots more of these I may break down and buy some.
And finally there's the scarf. I'm using this pattern (rav link), I think it goes with the hat and the mittens rather well.
So what else am I up to? Well...on the weight loss front I have not been a very good girl. Lots of bad eating choices that resulted mostly from the fact that I was tired and wanted fast and tasty more than healthy. Then the part where I wasn't keeping track of my weight led to a special kind of snowballing that only I am capable of.

While I'm home on staycation there's going to be a lot of working-out and exercising going on...I hope to be back in the negative by the time I start up again.

On the school front things are going well. I've pretty much finalized my schedule for next year. I did manage to get the Radiology rotation I wanted, but still not luck with surgical intensive care. What is my schedule?

• July - General Surgery at Lahey Clinic
• August - Transplant Surgery at Tufts Medical Center
• September - Honors General Surgery at Newton-Wellesley
• October - Family Medicine in Wrentham
• November - Radiology at Caritas Good Samaritan
• December - VACATION!! aka studying for boards and going on interviews
• January - Anesthesia at VA Medical Center
• February - Pediatric Surgery at Tufts Medical Center
• March - Gastroenterology at VA Medical Center
• April - Emergency Med at Caritas Good Samaritan
• May - VACATION!! aka prepping for graduation and getting ready to move to where I matched

I'm going to miss my Neurosurgery rotation. Good people that were lots of fun. They've invited me out to dinner with them when I get back for my OB/Gyn rotation in a couple weeks. Hopefully I won't be on call so I can go. Alright...this post is plenty long. Happy knitting all!!

Whoh...where'd I go?!

Where did the last month go? Seriously! My medicine clerkship is more than half over...I find this more than slightly terrifying since that means I have another shelf in less than 6 weeks and I've barely started studying. Speaking of my medicine rotation things have been going pretty well. Outpatient is over (which in my mind is awesome) and I'm on my third week of the wards. My team is awesome, my resident has taken to calling me "rock star" at just about every opportunity. He is sufficiently impressed with me such that as of tomorrow he's going to start treating me like a Sub-I (I admit and take care of the patients on my own with only the resident coming by to cosign all the orders and double check me, no intern involvement at all). I don't know how much of my readership understands how odd this is for a third year student...but trust me...it's weird. I'm not going to lie...it makes me a bit uncomfortable, but more with respect to how appropriate it is for me to be doing this as a third year than my ability to do it well. I guess I'll find out next week when my clerkship director is my attending :P

In weight loss news...there hasn't been any. In fact there's been weight gain. This is what I get for eating pizza from the cafeteria on a semi-regular basis. I need to be stricter with myself as far as eating the lunch I bring goes. Part of my plan includes not having money with me (can't buy lunch if I don't have money!).


Knitting news...well there really isn't any. I was trying to make two baby sweaters...but realized pretty quickly this wasn't going to happen...so I amended my plans to one sweater, two sets of booties, and a hat...babies will be born before this gets done...le sigh. I'm not going to show pictures so that recipients who might read this blog won't get a sneak preview...also because I'm too tired to go dig out my camera and fight with lighting to get good pics.

Alright...it's time for me to read a little bit more about working up chest pain and then head off to bed. After all, my instructions when I was sent home this afternoon were to rest up for my big day tomorrow, my first day as a Sub-I. Happy knitting all...I hope that you're all knitting more than I am.

Update

Yep...lost about 4 lbs since the New Year...hope I can keep it up!

In knitting news...the hat is finished. I have failed you and have not managed to take a picture of it despite the fact that it's been finished for almost a week now. I have started casting on for the first baby sweater. A BSJ of course. This is for a non-knitting friend so I'm using some non-gender-specific acrylic that will survive a bit better (I hope). I plan to make some booties too.

In med school news...I've started my Medicine rotation in outpatient clinic (think like a run-of-the-mill doctor's office). Lots of colds and coughs with a few physicals on middle-aged and elderly men. The physicals are kind of painful in their own way...if I ever have to do a prostate exam again (which I'm sure I will before my 4 weeks on outpatient is over) it'll be too soon.

My parting gift to you? The fortune I got today when I met a friend for lunch in Chinatown: "In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is. You're what's left." It's just too odd to not share with as many people as I can :P